So far this year has been not unlike a series of Liu Kang chicken kicks to my face, but I’ve finally rebounded and am looking to push back and do some crotch punching of my own! To kick this off (pun fully intended), and to celebrate, um, fighting (well we did cover Mortal Kombat this month), I wanted to come back with a new action-packed top five list. But being part of the Cult Film Club, I didn’t just want to list my top five favorite fight scenes, no sir. Instead lets get a little crazy with my Top Five Naked Fight Scenes!

5). The Terminator (1984)

It’s almost impossible to not start this list with my introduction to naked fighting and my fond memories of watching brief glimpses of Arnold’s Schwarzensausage and buns in the opening sequences of The Terminator. I was probably about nine years-old when my mother sat me down one late summer night to watch this flick on HBO and seeing this insanely built naked cyborg from the future beat the shit out of Bill Paxton while punching a whole through Brian Thompson was almost too much for my young brain! But this is more of a one-sided, weirdass, clothes shopping experience for Arnold, so that’s why it’s so far down on my list.  You can watch the scene here!

4). Borat (2006)

I was just recently indoctrinated into the wonder that is the Borat film (thanks Jaime!), and all I can say is where has this naked fight scene been all my life!  Much ball and schlong slapping success.  Seriously, probably the most hilarious naked fight I’ve ever seen, it’s also about 3 minutes I kind of never want to relive again.  But for those uninitiated, take a gander at your own risk!  Also, I hear his neighbor still fights with his swim trunks on (tough keeping up with the Borats for sure…)

3). School Ties (1992)

Do you like naked prep school boys?  Naked angry Brendon Frasier?  Naked anti-semetic Matt Damon?  Naked howling Ben Affleck?  Then this is the naked fight for you!  School Ties is one of those mostly overlooked gems from the early 90s that had pretty much everyone in it before they got big.  And you get to see them mostly naked.  And fighting!  What more could you want?  Watch the insanity here

2). Sex & Fury/Female Yakuza Tale (both 1973)

I came across Sex & Fury while I was in the middle of my Christina Lindberg phase while researching Kill Bill.  This film, and it’s sequel Female Yakuza Tale feature a very revealing starring turn for Japan’s Reiko Ike, who for all intents and purposes is like the female Charles Bronson of Japanese pinky violence cinema from the 70s.  Both of these films feature some wicked awesome naked samurai fights that have to be seen to be believed.  Well worth tracking down.  Here’s an example from Sex & Fury!

1). Eastern Promises (2007)

Eastern Promises is one of those flicks that totally slipped through the cracks for me a few years ago.  It took me until this past weekend to finally catch up with it and I am so glad I did.  David Cronenberg’s weird post-horror action phase (A History of Violence) is really interesting stuff, and some of Viggo Mortensen’s best work as an actor.  The bath house fight sequence in this flick is raw, brutal and very well choreographed (as far as brawling style fights go.)  Two thumbs and a shiv up!  Get the steamy brutality here!