It’s funny, Bullies seem to be such a hot button topic these days, but I can’t help but love the bullies of the cinematic universe. Whether it’s a dumb ass jock doing table lifts in the lunchroom spilling everyone’s food (probably because he was a messy baby) or a couple of fashionable goobers who have nothing better to do than rain Slurpees down on geeks from the second floor of the mall, I can’t help but fall the douchebags. Call me a masochist, but I enjoy seeing the hero beat down for the first half of a film as it makes their inevitable victory all the more fulfilling when the odds are really stacked against them with a formidable foe. So here are my personal top six school bullies in order from most harmless to just downright through douchbagery…
#6 -Max and Ian from Weird Science (1985)
Honestly, the two Roberts (Russler and Downey Jr.) as Max and Ian aren’t all that bad. Sure, they’d cheat on their girlfriends in a microsecond, but you have to admit that Kelly LeBrock was pretty darn irresistible in Weird Science. Sure, they pantsed Gary and Wyatt in front of the entire gym class, but my wife totally did that to me once by mistake in a grocery store, so I learned first hand that you just pick up your trousers and pretend like it didn’t happen. The Slurpee incident in the mall sucked, but we all know Lisa could just whip them up some new duds. All in all, they’re pretty harmless, but I love Russler’s vacant Looney Tunes chuckling and Downey Jr’s gap-toothed, batty eyed smile. You could certainly get stuck with worse bullies…
#5 -Scott Farkus & Grover Dill from A Christmas Story (1983)
Now we’re getting closer to that root of evil that hides deep within the soul of a bully. Scott Farkus. What a rotten name! Scott Farkus staring out at us with his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes! So, help me, God! Yellow eyes! And Grover Dill! Farkus’ crummy little toadie. Mean! Rotten! His lips curled over his green teeth. Zach Ward was inspired casting for the part of Farkus and he played him with evil abandon. There’s nothing quite so satisfying as watching Ralphie beat the bloddy snot out of Farkus towards the end of the film…
#4 -The Alpha Beta Jocks from Revenge of the Nerds (1984)
nerds. Nerds! NERDS!!! Seriously, Ted McGinley is the ultimate slimy douchebag. But he does have a great smile. And who doesn’t love Donald Gibb’s Orge? No one, that’s who.
#3 – The Heathers from Heathers (1988)
Never have I enjoyed watching the faux suicide by the unforeseen ingestion of blue household cleaners more than when Heather Chandler buys it in Heathers. I’ve also always disliked Shannon Doherty (even on that one episode of Airwolf), so even though she isn’t done-in by Veronica and J.D. in the flick, I still enjoy seeing her stripped of her popularity and power at the end of the flick.
#2 – The Brotherhood of Justice from, well, The Brotherhood of Justice (1986)
I hadn’t even heard of this film until this past year when I stumbled upon it on Netflix instant. After scoping the cast list (Keanu Reeves, Kiefer Southerland, Lori Loughlin, Billy Zane, Darren Dalton – the traitor from Red Dawn, Gary Riley – from Summer School, and Evan Mirand – from My Best Friend is a Vampire) how could I not watch it? The plot? A school is being overrun by pranksters and hooligans and a select group of football jocks decide to form a vigilante group called the Brotherhood of Justice to straighten out the school. Pretty soon the power goes to their heads and they find themselves dishing out “justice” in the form of extreme bulling and even potential murder. As a side note, the end of the flick is a series of high contrast black and white stills set to some goofy jazz that is note for note what the eventual opening credits sequence of Law & Order looked like. What a weird way for this film to make an impact on pop culture (it sure wasn’t for the performances of any of the leads…)
#1 – Billy Zabka in the holy bully trilogy of The Karate Kid, Just One of the Guys, & Back To School (84-86)
Who didn’t see this one coming? I challenge anyone to find douchier dirt bags than Johnny Lawrence, Greg Tolan or Chas. I still hear Zabka’s Johnny in my nightmares sometimes…
So who would make your list of the top school bullies from film?